Chapter Five

Thanks for all the feedback and patience with me! School's out for the summer so more updates should be coming as long as writer's block doesn't get a hold of me..


September 2006

“This chick was so hot! I’m telling you guys, this one was a good time if you know what I mean..”

The guys whistled and laughed at Max’s raveling over his summer fling while the girls just rolled their eyes in disgust. The team was back in the Burgh just in time for training camp to begin. They were all in the locker room dressed early and eager to get back on the ice for the first day. It seemed as if they were all on fire or fed too much sugar for the adrenaline that everyone felt in the room. Even though last season was certainly not their best, they had a feeling that it could only go up from here at this point.

“So did any of you actually do something besides screwing the girl that caught your Frisbee on the beach?” Abby asked.
The guys looked at each other and shook their heads amused with themselves.
“That’s pathetic,” I said annoyed.
“Rach, how bad of a day is this? I woke up around 11:00 every morning, ate a couple of omelets, went to the pool, caught myself a fine woman, took her to dinner, and participated in my nightly exercise routine!” Max explained. “Then, the next day, I woke up and did it all over again!”
“You’re a pig!” I replied.
“No I’m not! It’s just exercise! I need to stay in shape during the summer!”
“If that’s how you stay in shape, then no wonder we can’t win a game,” a familiar voice said as he entered the room.

I turned around knowing that I would see Sidney, but I had to keep my eyes from widening and my jaw dropping. This was not the Sidney Crosby that had left in April earlier this year. You could definitely tell that he worked out this summer. He had a good muscular built to him as I could see the lines defined beneath his under armor. His hair was longer, but not too long to mistake him as a rock star that stepped out of the 80’s. His baby face was disappearing as he looked more like an adult instead of a teenage boy. And then, there were his eyes. They always had some sort of light to them that it took so much of my strength to keep from drowning in them.

Stop it, Rachel!

This is the first time I’ve seen him in a while. Despite his countless attempts at calling, we haven’t said a word to each other since his summer fling. I know what you girls are thinking: I’m crazy, right? Maybe, but put yourself in the situation. Would you really have respect for someone like that? Someone who covers up their hidden identity of who they really are? True, I’ve only known Sidney for a year, but I think I’m allowed to be opposed to this when the guy is apparently trying to get to me. Last time I checked, sleeping with another girl wasn’t the way to win someone’s heart.

Trust me, he hasn’t got a hold of me. I’ve got it all under control. It’s just time that he knows that if there is even a possibility of being friends, he has a lot to prove to me.

“You should talk, Crosby! We all know how the Dominican Republic went down!” Max fired back jokingly, but immediately regretted it once the silence entered the room.

I’m not gonna lie, I snickered at Max’s attempt to defend himself. Sid asked for it; he should have known that. What granted me even more entertainment was how uncomfortable it made him. I felt like I needed some popcorn with the interaction between the entire room as the guys threw comments back and forth at each other on their summer flings. Eventually, Abby and I were pretty annoyed with the whole topic, and just when we were about to leave, a comment caught me off guard:

“Yeah, well it’s not even like I liked the girl or anything! It just happened!”

I turned my head around towards Sidney and the entire locker room. “Oh really? So you just reel in whatever girl you can just to satisfy your needs? That sounds like a guy I’d wanna get with.”
Sidney was shocked. Probably because I’d never been so nasty to him before. He then got defensive, “Rachel, you don’t even know what happened.”
“I know enough to know that you’re just a whimp who doesn’t know who he really is!” He tried to interrupt, but I continued. “Listen, if you think everyone will do anything you please because of who you are, then you are sadly mistaken! No one wants to be around a person like that! And don’t give me this sad sob story of how you were drunk and you didn’t know what was going on! That doesn’t excuse you or anyone in this room!” I said as I focused my attention towards the rest of the team.
“You guys want to find a real girl? Stop lying to us.”

Just realizing what kind of a scene I caused, I pushed open the doors to the locker room and started walking towards the exit of the arena. My mind was fuming. How dare he, along with every other guy in that room, think of girls as just a way to get a quick fix for themselves. It was silly of me to think of how considerate he could be when he was only after completing himself.

I suddenly stopped in my tracks. Was that what he was after with me? Just a temporary getaway until the next one came along or he got bored? How egocentric could this boy be? I clenched my fists in anger to keep me from screaming. But I ended up anyways as a firm hand placed itself on my shoulder.

“Don’t touch me, Sidney,” I said knowing very well who it was and turned around to face him with a determined look to not let him get to me.
“You have to let me explain this to you,” he replied as his hand stayed on my shoulder.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me,” I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. “You contradicted yourself when you told me that you weren’t like most guys. All this bullshit about not going after one night stands. I know I can’t control what you do, but I refuse to have you lie to me! I’m not stupid!”

As I turn to walk away, he grabs my elbow and firmly pushes me against the brick wall of the arena. He does so to make sure he doesn’t hurt me, but makes it known that I’m not leaving this spot anytime soon. At this point, I’m scared. I don’t know what’s come over him with this determination to make himself right. I refuse to show him how defenseless I am right now as I slowly look up towards his eyes. What surprises me is the fact that he doesn’t look angry. His eyes show that he wants to do everything to convince me to believe any word that flies out of his mouth.

And then I think about the caring person that he can be. The way he laughs, the way he jokes around with me. But the most important thing: the way he listens to me. Every conversation, his eyes are always directed towards mine when I speak. And he never once goes off on his own in his head. I’ve never had a guy that listened to everything I had to say whether they agreed or disagreed with it.

It’s that longing for my friend along with the frustration of the entire situation that causes me to hang my head low and blink back some tears, “Just let me go, Sidney. You’re not making this better.”
“I need to find a way to make it better though,” he replied as I felt his finger lift my chin up forcing me to meet his eyes. He sighs, “Rach..I meant what I said about not being like one of those guys. It just..the thought of you was killing me, and when you weren’t responding to me..I reacted to someone who was.”
“It’s not like I was ignoring you on purpose.”
“I know. I guess the idea that you weren’t putting all your attention towards me made me feel jealous and a little stupid about the way I feel about you.”
Knowing very well what he was talking about, I still needed clarification. “Sid, what are you trying to say?”

He closed his eyes and breathed heavily as he ran his hand through his hair. “It’s kind of crazy..but every time we’re in the same place, I can’t help but want to never let you go away. You just…I guess you bring out the best of me when you’re around. And then when you’re gone…it’s like I’m constantly trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.”

Shock is beyond what I’m feeling right now. To listen to how much I’ve impacted Sidney is something I hadn’t expected. But what’s even more weird is how he hasn’t done the same for me. Shouldn’t the feeling be mutual? Yeah, he’s cute and one of my good friends, but I wouldn’t say he’s left a mark on me…right?
“Sid…I don’t know what you what me to do here,” I say hesitantly.
His hands begin to run up and down my arms slowly as if that will help put a spell on me, “Give me the chance to show you how I can be a good guy. I know I screwed up, and I’m sorry. I wish I could change what I did, but I can’t. What I can do is pick up the pieces and try to make this work.”

As convincing as he sounds, I can’t help but reject him. “I can’t, Sidney. I just…I feel like this is all sudden and too fast for me.”
He looks in my eyes with determination, “What can I do to prove this to you?”
I pause, “Give me time. Continue to be a good friend to me. I have a feeling I’ll only disappoint you though. I’m not exactly easy to impress.”
Sidney chuckled, “Yeah, I’ve learned that already. But honestly, I’m willing to fight for you. Just…trust me.”
Just as I was about to respond, Michel Therrien poked out of the locker room, “Sid, practice, let’s go!”

Sidney threw his head back and groaned as I grinned.
“You’re being called to duty.”
He grabbed both of my hands and held on tight as we tried to search each other’s minds of what we were thinking. “Will you be at the party next weekend?”
I smirked, “Unless I have something better to do.”
He smiled, “Trust me, you won’t. Just…think about what I said, okay?”
“I can’t guarantee you anything, but I will.”
He squeezed my hands one last time as he walked into the locker room to head to practice.

I sighed heavily. I honestly don’t know what to think about all of this. I have the National Hockey League’s poster boy chasing after me…and yet, I don’t want that. I just never imagined dating him before. So many things would get in the way. With me, there’s school, especially going away to college in a year. Did I want to be attached to someone at home while I was away? With him, there’s so much more. His schedule in general. Especially road games, how would I deal with him not being there all the time? All the attention he gets…would I really be willing to sacrifice some of my privacy? So much of it would eventually get directed towards me. I hated the idea of only being known as “Sidney Crosby’s girlfriend”. No, I am worth more than that than to just be known as a hockey player’s arm candy.

I begin to walk out of the arena and realize that as much as I don’t wanna let him down, there is no way that I could ever date Sidney. I just hope in time that he’ll realize the same towards me and will find another girl who is okay with those sacrifices that I’m not willing to make. In the mean time, I have a friend that I can count on when I need him to be there. Even though this won’t go the way he wants it to, I’m hoping that he will continue to return the favor.

So why aren’t these butterflies going away? I guess I need to pick their wings off.